I read an article last week, (me and millions of other people), titled “5 Reasons Marriages Just Don’t Work Any More.” It was written by a gentlemen by the name of Anthony D’Ambrosio. He is 29 years old, was married approximately 3 years, divorced, and is now apparently what some consider an authority on why marriage doesn't work for an entire generation? If you would like to read it for yourself in its entirety, by all means, do. Here is the link.
The top of his article features a lovely black and white photo of he and his new wife (at the time), sharing a kiss on their wedding day. I believe what motivated him to share that picture is the fact that he feels like marriage is some fairy tale beginning, with a not-so-happily-ever-after ending.
Now, I do not claim to have some degree in marriage counseling, or anything of the kind. My credentials are pretty simple. Real life. I am married (15 years, today, in fact :).) I have 4 children. I am not living in a fantasy world where the whole population is 1. Whether or not this qualifies me to speak about marriage, I will leave up to you. Take it or leave it, here it is.
Anthony starts off by saying “Our great- grandparents did it, our grandparents did it, our parents did it. Why the h*ll can’t we?”
He goes on to say that a lot of people who haven’t failed at marriage (I’m assuming he means divorced), only stay in their miserable relationships, and live completely phony lives. Now, I have to disagree with this right off the bat. My marriage is anything but miserable, and our life together is also many things, but phony is not one of them. I have never loved (or been loved) more completely, by a human being in my life, than I have within the enclosure of our marriage!
OF COURSE, he then uses the old judgmental card! That’s our new mantra, isn’t it? Don’t judge me! Whatever you do, don’t judge anyone for anything! Don’t make any judgments about my life or actions, regardless of whether my choices affect you or not.
This is bogus.
I am so weary of hearing it, and you should be, too!
Everyone judges. That is what the human mind does. We are constantly making judgement calls about everything.
Should I cross the street? No. There is a car coming, I will get killed.
That is making a judgement.
What to wear.
What to eat.
How to behave, and not behave.
We are constantly making judgments about ourselves and others. I am so exhausted with this! There is a drastic difference in judging and condemning!
Anyway, moving on.
Next, this guy starts whining about technology, and how he has had to learn the dating scene all over again because of texting, and social media?
Seriously?
Millions of people don’t have clean water, healthcare, a home, and we are reading about how hard this guys dating life is due to social media?! Is this perplexing to anyone else?
This fellow lists several reasons why marriages are failing. Here are a few:
1.) Sex becomes almost non-existent.
It becomes a chore, it’s all about trying to conceive, he says. Instead of looking forward to being intimate with your spouse, you dread it. Not only are you bored with your marital sex life, but also everywhere you look you see half dressed people that look better than your wife.
Do you see a running theme in this? Does he ever once reference the way his wife feels, what she needs?
NO.
It’s all about him. What he wants. How he feels. What he sees. No where does he talk about meeting the needs and wants of the person he promised to love and care for until separated by death. It’s not too hard to understand why things are not going too well there, is it?
2.) Finances cripple us.
Education costs too much, a new home costs too much, cost of living is so much higher and more stressful now than it used to be, Mr. D’Ambrosia reports.
Well, have we considered actually buying what we can afford? Perhaps, even doing without the new homes, new vehicles, new clothes? He talks about not being able to afford vacations and eating at his favorite restaurants. He says that life is for living, and he can’t do what everyone else is doing, it makes him feel bad, AND that puts too much stress on his marriage.
When I am always looking to my left and right, comparing my life to everyone around me, yes, I too, feel dissatisfied and discontent.
Here’s the deal with that, their life is not mine.
Their finances are not my affair.
It is not my business if my friends have a 4,000 square foot home,and could I possibly even dare to be HAPPY for them?Instead of moping about what I don’t have, could I even stretch to celebrate the successes of others, people I claim are my friends?
I told you we have been married for 15 years. A lot of things fluctuate in that amount of time. There are 5,475 days in 15 years (I didn’t even count leap years ;))! We have been through financial feasts and famines. Was it stressful and uncomfortable when the money was tight and almost non-existent? You bet it was. Did we get divorced? Obviously, not. We can not buy everything we want, whenever we want, and honestly, we probably wouldn’t even if we could.
In our home we try to live by this motto, “Use stuff, Love people.” We don’t always get it right (by any stretch of the imagination), but we do keep on keeping on.
3.) Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved.
What?! He talks about Marilyn Monroe, and celebrities, and social media, selfies, and attention seeking through any possible facet.
WHO cares?
Really, who cares?
No one.
If social media is a stumbling block for you, cut back on it. Get rid of it. Isn’t your marriage more valuable than “relationships” on the internet with people you probably couldn’t carry a conversation with in real life?
Facebook doesn't matter. Marriage does.
You think marriage doesn’t matter?
Look what is happening to our society, our families, because we don’t stay together.
Any sort of attention you receive on the internet means precisely NOTHING if your home life is falling apart. If your children can’t see you love one another– selflessly, completely, and through all situations, how in the world are they supposed to figure out love and marriage?
I will not list every one of his preposterous theories on why people can’t be married (successfully) anymore.
But seriously, is anyone buying THIS garbage?
Well, apparently, a lot of people are. His article went viral.
Millions of people read it, shared it, affirmed it with: “OMG,” “YES,” “AMEN,” “EXACTLY,” and so on……
You know why marriage doesn’t work? Because it is hard, and we quit! Marriage isn’t the problem, people are. It is hard to love someone more than yourself! It is hard to continually sacrifice for the sake of your husband or wife. It is hard to raise up children, who are imperfect like their parents. It is work! We have been taught to avoid work. We have been taught to take the path of least resistance.
You know what else? It’s easier (in the short term), to be tied to no one, to be accountable to no one. Isn’t it a breeze to only meet your own desires, without thought or consequence of how that affects other people?
Do you know of anyone who chooses to end life alone, to die alone? Of course not. We all want to be surrounded by those we love, our family.
For me, my husband, (and the children that came from our union as one), these are the people I want to be surrounded by not only upon my death, but in my life!
I am so tired of the different forms of attack on marriage. Like marriage is this ancient institution that has no place in modern day culture.
Friend, do not believe those lies.
When the family breaks down, the whole culture will soon follow.
Ever heard of the foster care system? Do you think those children are coming from mostly married homes? No. They are not. Most of them were conceived outside of marriage to begin with. Of course there are many other issues contributing to the crisis with children being in foster care, (I’m guessing drug abuse is playing a huge role), but even so, when parents stick together, their children ARE emotionally healthier.
When your children see you care so deeply, consistently, and unconditionally for their dad or mom, they get it.
They see what love looks like. They see the value of marriage.
I am not pretending being married is easy. Of course it isn’t. It is probably one of the hardest things you can do as a Christian, a human.
Does that mean it doesn’t work? Absolutely not!
It is proven to work, if I will do the work on my end.
Love each other!
Forgive one another!
Realize you are married to an imperfect person (and so is your spouse), and give them the grace you would like to receive.
Revel in the joys that your marriage brings, instead of wallowing in the “buts” of what it doesn’t.
Choose what you chose!
Remind yourself of the reasons you got married to begin with.
Be unwilling to quit!
Fight for it.
Marriage has, and does work, if you are willing to love your spouse more than yourself!
Do not buy into this cultural war on marriage. Cling to your marriage! Love your people!
That is about all I have to say about that Thank you for reading (and sharing) my blog. I am completely awed by the amount of people who have come along with me. Let’s challenge people, together, to THINK!
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Stick around!
Susan